Time. Time. Time. We make what we want with it and we choose where we end up. WE decide what we want to do with our valuable and precious time. Well it never seems like I have enough of it, so I can’t promise that I’m going to update this narcissistic, fucking blog daily, so don’t get your hopes up.
Oh…pardon me. How RUDE. I haven’t introduced myself yet. Well, there are actually two of us here at The Octopus Hamstring. There’s Tyler and there’s Mike Apathy. Guess which fucking one I am. Here’s a little bit of info about us:
Tyler is 29 years old, incredibly handsome and works in a field where he legitimately gets to help people on a daily basis. He helps people who are in pain feel better physically. He helps the elderly and the marginalized feel better about themselves mentally. Shit, the guy is practically a saint. The Vatican oughtta canonize his ass now and get it over with, so we can buy those tall Catholic candles you find in the 99-cent store, with his image on them (that actually sounds really fucking cool…being on a candle and shit…). Okay, back to Tyler. What else? Ummm…he likes to read? I know he likes internet dating, he’s told me some pretty good stories about that. Oh and skateboarding too! You can ask him questions about any old school skateboarder and he can usually answer them, a really great talent in my opinion. He also enjoys Chinese Food and long walks on the beach, blah, blah, blah… Anyway, Tyler’s a smart, funny and interesting guy; he’s surfing the last big breaker of the summer, with the beautiful Southern California sunset as his backdrop…I’m talking about the last pure, unadulterated breath of pure oxygen that is one’s late 20’s (that motherfucker better be appreciating it and not taking it for granted…asshole). This blog was his idea, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, he’s got me writing the intro piece. If I had to guess, most of his posts will be about art, music, philosophy, etc…Frankly, I’m as excited as a redneck in Wal-Mart to see what he’s going to come up with. Fingers crossed…feels like Christmas in West Virginia!
Me, I’m Mike Apathy, aged 32 as of this posting. No, geniuses, Mike Apathy isn’t my real name. As a matter of fact, Tyler is a fake name too. Might as well get that out in the open right here in the beginning… I work in Corporate America and wear a suit and tie to work. Sometimes I get jealous of people who have careers that I perceive to be more meaningful, socially (like Tyler), and I imagine what the world might look like through the eyes of an addiction counselor, a foreign aid worker or a stand-up comedian…. I’m a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. I’m (sometimes) happily married and I own a dog who likes to hump my favorite Angels blanket. I don’t hold it against him though, the Angels are the best team in all of baseball (even if they never sign a decent free agent, in his prime, in my lifetime, aside from Vlad Guerrero), so at least he’s got good taste. Many of my future posts will probably revolve around a lot of the same themes on which Tyler will be pontificating (did that sound smart? really, I’m being serious here…fucking love big words, and I definitely use them to make myself appear
smarter, um…more labyrinthine). I like sports though, he doesn’t. He likes bath houses in San Francisco, I don’t. I made that last part up actually. He goes to a local, underground place here in L.A.
Anyway, both Tyler and I hope you decide to drop by from time to time. If you know of an awesome new band, or artist, let us know. We’re open-minded people and would love to hear your feedback. Let us know it if you think that we’re pretentious douchebags. While we prefer positive feedback and blatant ego-stroking, we hope that you won’t pull any punches. At the same time, just know that we’ll be well-connected and powerful as a result of this blog, and that we’ll have the means to fuck you up if we don’t like what you say…kind of like North Korea (or China, parts of Africa, the Middle East, some parts of Eastern Europe, Washington D.C., the Southern United States, etc…can you tell I like using ellipses, and straying off topic with sidebars?).
Also…do yourselves a favor and dust off your old Knapsack CD’s and Limited Edition Vinyl. I just stumbled across mine, and am unbelievably glad I did. Catharsis. Time. Sigh…
For Tyler and for Blair Sheehan’s beautiful bald head,
This is Mike Apathy signing off.
***I had an idea not too long ago, well just now actually. Wanna hear it? There’s all this room to keep on writing below, on this ABOUT page. I’m going to be naughty and keep going on a little bit. Maybe Tyler and I will even come back here and switch up the content from time to time. Who knows? OOOOOH this is fun…
So anyway…while we’re here, on this page, here’s a joke you might like:
It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to achieve the undivided attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.
“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”
So the man told his story.
“A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
“For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
“For my second wish I asked for the power of attraction over the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
“For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head.”
Also, I got to thinking. After the first Death Star was destroyed, how do you suppose Darth Vader, Stormtroopers and the Imperial Guards dealt with that kind of corporate collapse? I’m sure a catastrophe of that magnitude had a tremendous trickle-down effect. From not having the funds to compensate bounty hunters, all the way down to droid production, it had to cut deep. I mean sure, they ended up breaking ground on a new one some time later, which obviously created a lot of jobs and got the Dark Side’s ball rolling again (which I’m certain was a great boost to the galactic economy), but we never really got to see what happened in the interim, the human tragedy. We all know that after Katrina, the Phuket disaster, Japan’s earthquake, Haiti, etc. that there were major states of civil unrest and disorderly conduct running rampant. I’d imagine that a small percentage of folks definitely prospered during this time; no doubt the wealthy and mega-wealthy such as Jabba the Hutt, Lando and the like, were more than stable. It was the lower-to-middle classes of the galaxy, laborers like Nerf Herders and Moisture Farmers that I’m sure bore the brunt of the worst hardships overall.
You know, we don’t really get to hear much about this side of the story. I’m sure there were a lot of good family men on that space station. On the bright side, there is at least one profession that probably saw a huge boost in revenues directly following the tradgedy…Therapists and family counselors.
Crying Tears of Sorrow,
For Tyler, Mike Apathy signing off.