Mike Apathy vs. The Volcano (And by Volcano I mean erectile dysfunction and unemployment.)


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90%’ers,

1. Divorce

2. 90 Days of Good Clean Time

3. Continued Unemployment

4. The IRS

5. Writers’ Block

6. Ballin’ so Hard Muhfuggaz Tryna Find Me

I wasn’t lying about the ED either. In a twist of Shakespearean irony it seems my dick has become the apathetic one between us…..but really there’s nothing between me and my dick except an appetite for cute short-haired blonde chicks in glasses who talk to themselves (More on that later…Maybe there won’t be marriage… maybe there won’t be sex… but, by God, there’ll be dancing.).

So now that I’ve met my quota for faggy Britishness, we can move onward to the usual faggy bullshit you come to me for. Here’s what I’m getting at…y’all knew I wasn’t working and I haven’t been writing. Sure you’ve been fine with that, it’s cool, I ain’t mad. The CDO and I have parted ways. The package we offer here at the Hamstring was soft at best….. The insurance, 401k, profit-sharing, paid vacation days, etc…not my dick. When grown-ups get a divorce my dick usually isn’t on the negotiating table in front if the attorneys….unless it was your mom’s divorce then she negotiated visiting rights and alimony. I hear the CDO is doing well and in high spirits. With her skill set and qualifications I’m sure she’ll have no trouble finding future employment with a very prestigious firm….FIRM. Good luck and godspeed.

But serious shit, these last few months have been full of soul searching, late nights drinking coffee, and paying bills that I’ve ignored, trying to get my my broke ass out of collections. During this time of forging checks and faking Mexican accents I stumbled upon the legendary carnitas burrito so-to-speak… Go back and re-read my Day of the Dead post from a while back there’s tits and Black Flag and Mel Gibson. Uncle Mike reconnected with an old friend who happens to be a writer…and also happens to be a cute short-haired blonde chick who wears glasses and talks to herself.

Ever hang out with an old friend after years of living your own life and wonder to yourself why you didn’t just knock her up when you were 20? I knew I had to fulfill my destiny of being an International Playboy Rock Star Astronaut during my 20’s and it’s damn hard (unlike my dick) for the bureau to find a qualified alternate at short notice. Man’s only as good as his word ya dig?

In a previous life I’ve had “work-wives.” Frankly I need someone to make me sandwiches and to yell at me when I’m about to do something stupid, so without consulting Tyler I’ve decided to bring in a new work wife; Marylin Apathy. She’s a better writer than I am, but I’m still the Editor in Chief and I make more because if the whole having a penis thing…..semi-functional, it’s true, but I have one NONETHELESS.

Here’s what she says she’s really good at……fingered crossed sandwiches is on there….

1. Softball

2. Cheesy Potatoes

3. Good in Bed ‘cuz the Editor in Chief says so (goddamn ED…)

4. Really good seamstress, hair flowers, hair clips, girlie shit, artsy fartsy blerf, etc…

5. Diffusing Potentially Violent Physical Altercations at Target

Alright shitbricks, I’m fucking tired, my body weary. Talk to you tomorrow. Have a rad summer, K.I.T.

– Mike Pickshisnose

P.S. – She thinks she’ll be reporting to this fuckshow.

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