Texting Tyler and Other Horrible Ideas for the Title of Taylor Swift’s Next Shitfest of an Album


Mike: Just re-read the bro culture article. You’re right. That is pretty good. Octopus Mike needs to get back to his roots and off of the crazy. He needs Tyler to help too. Why am I speaking in the 3rd person?

Tyler: Tyler is busy buying organic greens right now.

M: Tyler is very health conscious and conscientious.

T: He’s also continent and concerned, but not constipated.

T: Just picked up some fresh, Russian beets, nigga. Russia knows what’s up. What do you know about the jazz musician, Chet Baker?

M: Russian beats are sick. DJ Vadim made some nice ones for Swollen Members in the 90’s. Chet Baker’s a honky, Nigga.

T: Yeah, but a badass one! He was like the white Miles Davis, but maybe cooler/hipper. Major junkie and major stud.

M: That’s kind of an oxymoron. Junkies don’t usually fuck too well. My assumption is that your definition of the word stud is somewhat based on said stud’s ability to fuck. No?

T: Nope. Said stud’s ability to pull sexy women. He looked like James Dean and shit and women loved him. Even black bitches.

M: Yea then he had to bring in a Sherpa to make sure they got a proper schlonging. Sounds like Old Gil, the sad old real estate salesman that everybody loves, but can never close the deal.

T: I’m sure there are a few junkies who like to fuck every once and a while. And I’m thinking that he didn’t get into smack until late in his career, which means he prob pulled a lot of tail when he was in his prime. You should watch the documentary.

M: YOU should watch the documentary and stop telling me my business, you human paraquat.

M: Thanks for assisting me in tonight’s new Hamstring post. You actually wrote…granted you had no idea you were doing it, but you’ll be credited nonetheless. Word.


Shit yeah I want some candy, fucking walrus.

See fuckers, Tyler’s real and I know I need to get off the crazy and get back to the awesome. It’s coming sooner than *insert generic dick/sex joke here* will and that’s a promise. And if there’s one thing Mike Apathy/Ryan Motteram is known for its picking his nose and bullshitting potential employers at job interviews. I realize those were two things I’m known for and that I was continuing to speak in the 3rd person and totally dodged the topic of promise-keeping, but I think you get the picture. You’re no idiot…Depressed and lonely maybe, but you’re definitely no idiot. Alright then. Stay tuned for good things. And by good things I mean quality journalism to come in the near future and not YouTube videos of overweight kids eating shit while running at the public pool, although those are good for sure, too. Thx again, I’ll keep you posted. Stay gold.


Ryan Mike Jesus Pants McGee