“The Ultimate Expression of Everything I Like About Horror Movies Inside a Themepark” as well as other Examples of Tyler being dumb….and also, I believed in Santa up until 6th grade


*Disclaimer: If the title of this post is what enticed you to move forward, you’re in for a rude awakening. This post has jack shit nothing to do with any of that. Sorry I guess.

Fucking Kim Kardashian.

Wears Prada and whothefuckknowswhatothershits that I don’t know about

Gold Chainz

Pink Polos

Unreasonable Feeling of Entitlement

Enjoys a standard of living that dwarves, and I have no hard statistics (which is sad because I named my dick, Statistics), but lets say 99.98 % of the world’s population.

Had it not been for Kanye’s Great Great Great Great muhfuggin grandfather’s travel agent from the neighboring village, who with his new funny lookin white dude friends, put Grampa West on either the Nina (with one of them little funny shits over the n), the Pinto or the Cadillac Margarita  for a promise of a better life and more retail shopping in the new land, Polo Christ could have been on the ass end (pun intended….just wait a sec….totally gonna be worth it) of a blood feud with the assraping warlord of the other neighboring village now in 2012 instead of making gold records like Christopher Walken does. So that begs a bigger question…. Where does that impeccably dressed Kanye get his awesome polos?! No, I’m just fucking with you. The real question here, and it is a very difficult question for sure, do (many, definitely not all) American black people today enjoy a higher quality of life because of slavery? Very valid no? By all means I am not saying that the reprehensible treatment these people suffered at the hands of  greedy men (both white and black) makes is somehow forgivable now at all. Make no mistake. Slavery in any form is pure evil. I don’t know much, but I know that if somehow I were able to make it to Final Jeopardy and that were the question…or answer…or however the fuck they make you buy your vowel, I’d be nerdgasming all up in my beige Dockers that I got specially for the taping….which is to say that to the core, I believe that humans stripping other humans of power in any form is about as bad as it gets. Bottom line is, I think the honest answer is that no, Kanye wouldn’t be as influential and wide-reaching as our top politicians are had it not been for the suffering of those that came before. And this, people, is why he needs to show his ancestors some fucking respect and keep his goddamned mouth shut from time to time, stop rapping and refocus your efforts on getting back into the studio to produce beats 100% of the time. They should also sound like Jay-Z’s Blueprint album fucked The Fugees’ The Score album and Dre’s The Chronic in a gnar three-way. Also…….My ignorant white ass also wonders why a very large subset of black folks are as into the bible as they are. If I were forced into servitude by plantation owners and force-fed their religion, the mere thought of it would make me sick. I sure as shit wouldn’t pass it down to my children so that one of them can turn into the wonderful stereotype we have today of the heavy-set black woman in church, fanning herself and yelling “Amen” at points during the pastor’s sermon.

I could be completely missing the point here. I realize that there are probably good explanations to both questions, as if I should be thinking about this shit anyway.

So…I couldn’t think of anything more, so I copied and pasted some conversations I’ve had with people over social media/texts/emails recently. They’re probably better than some convaluted piece on social issues I could ever write…like the one above. Here ya go, Greases…

Mike to friend: As a late birthday present I might be getting a divorce. Lets hang out in a park soon, drink coffee and have lunches…You should bring your kid…..he’s gotta bring his own gameboy though. My gameboy is off fucking limits.

I think I’m going to rename my penis my “Gameboy.” I mean, play with it a lot and it typically runs out of batteries pretty quick. Nuthin a couple DOUBLE D batteries wouldn’t take care of though……Yep. I’ve lost my mind.
Friend: Doesn’t answer back.
Mike: Herro
Friend: hiiii
Mike: Hiiiii. I have 5 “I’s”
Friend: fuck
Mike: Yep
Friend: you win frown
Mike: I had a nickel for every time a girl has told me that, I’d have 3 pennies!
Mike: Fucking Kim Kardashian Wears Prada and whothefuckknowswhatothershits that I don’t know about
Gold Chainz
Pink Polos
Unreasonable Feeling of Entitlement
Enjoys a standard of living that dwarves, and I have no hard statistics (which is sad because I named my dick, Statistics), but lets say 99.98 % of the world’s population. Had it not been for Kanye’s Great Great Great Great muhfuggin grandfather coming here for a promise of a better life on the Nina, Pinto and the Santa Margarita, Jesus Walks could very possibly be on the ass end (pun intended….just wait a sec….totally gonna be worth it) of a blood feud with the stronger meaner more buttfuckier tribe next door.
Friend: hHAHAHA
Friend: OMG
Friend: liololol
Mike: Dwayne motherfucking Wayne.
Friend: woooddd!
Mike: Lisa Benet
Friend: bonet, denise, cosby
Mike: Ed McMahon
Mike: Ed McDonalds
Friend: lol
Mike: Johnny Carls Jr.
Mike: Food Networks version of the Tonight SHow
Mike: But they’d be mortal enemies…..C’s Jr and McD’s are like Bloods and Crips…Coke and Pepsi…Bryan and a 40 hour work week…
Friend: aha
Friend: omg
Friend: omfg
Friend: hahahaha
Mike: Thats a lotta ha’s. there. be careful.
Friend: that was good i like the analogy
Mike: Thank you…..it’s a nice trope to lean on to cover up the fact that I’m a shoddy writer.
Mike: It’s like a magician jerking off with his left hand to distract you from seeing the rabbit he’s punching in the face with his right hand. David Copperfield and shit.
Friend: hahaha hahaha take a look at the newsfeed lol
Mike: Pretty sure a transcript of this, or some version of it…a reference, whothefuckknows, it being turned into a Hamstring article at some point.
Well how about that.
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