…laughable….we, in thwe futre, will fail…I then ask why this will be?


The following is the transcript of a conversation I had recently with a gentleman simply named, Styles. Yes. Like the van-driving, sunglasses-wearing other best friend (Boof being the other) of fucking Teen Wolf. I’m choosing not to use spellcheck on the dialogue from him because I feel it makes it more surreal somehow…which might make this next sentence contradictory. I am refraining from interjecting any of my own feelings or thoughts into this so that it only documents one of the weirder nights of my entire life. If you know me on a personal level, you either don’t buy that last statement, you figure that I’m just trying to sell my readers on some fluffed up bullshit or that that you’re about to read some of the craziest shit you’ve ever heard and actually just pooped a little. Actually, on a certain level, all three of those assumptions would be correct….including the poop.

Enough about me….if you came here today to read about me….and why the fuck wouldn’t you? Click on the Stephen Hawking is an Amateur article, or the one about Bro Culture…fuck it, I don’t know figure it out, there’s more than enough self-fellating, shoddy writing to keep your pea-brain entertained for a year. Now if you came here to learn something and get stupider, instead of to just get stupider (I realize that stupider is grammatically incorrect, fuck yourself) like your usual reason for visiting the Hamstring, fasten your fucking seatbelt….and then pull the fuck over, why are you reading the Octopus Hamstring while you should be paying attention to the road you goddamn idiot?!

So you’ll know who’s who; Styles didn’t have his V8 this morning. Mike Apathy drinks his V8 every fucking morning…low sodium.

By the way……Styles is from the future. That’s the whole point to this post. I fucking got to hang out with a very drunk dude who is from the future. His name is Styles. That’s all I was told before I was introduced so that’s all I’m telling you. It’s only fair. This is the first 15 or so minutes of our conversation, before I got tired of typing and pretending to be a journalist and reverted back to HOLY SHIT YOU’RE FROM THE FUTURE?



…laughable….we, in thwe futre, will fail…

Why will this be?

(He then looks me straight in the eye and says in that important voice, like the one you use for THE heart-to-heart with your son, when you think he can finally handle it, maybe even appreciate it, when you tell him he’s retarded.)

There’s some serious prophesy shit, next level, I’m stumped…………Best Best Douche.

Future guys like you….Styles have a hard time predicting the future it seems. At least our future here in 2012.

…noi shit? Wtf? It’s so much easier to predict the psst thann it is to predict the future. Cuz we’re always changing it….steve nash.

Wait….what? What does this have to do with Steve Nash?

Im told he loves the hat in the future …fucking hates house music to…. Huse musiv is terrilbe. But ee knoiw that noiw dont we.

Kinda. I guess.

yoiu diont….in the future , stupid fucks fuck faster than anybodytake an intellignet stance oin anything

Would you mind elaborating on that?

IE, political opinions…fucking

(He needs a drink and calls for a girl, I’m not sure if she’s from the future or if she lives in the present, who hasn’t really brought too many drinks back for him when he’s called out… now he’s calling out for God)

so tjhey haven;t reallyu learned or grown that muchl.insane don;t exist

Do you enjoy the luxury enjoyed by current-day Iran of not having any gays?


(Pause……kind of awkward because he’s just staring at me….into my soul if I still had one…)

In the futre time the fuck out*. In the fututre we don’;t think of gays any way different than straight peiople in your modern ime….

*I’m not sure what “time the fuck out” is, but it was eerily similar to when that perfect motherfucker, Zack Morris used to break the 4th wall and say “Time out!” and time as we know it would freeze, thus allowing him to share obvious plot details with pimple-faced adolescents, both male and female, who haven’t even figured out how to masturbate yet. Basically he may have the ability to Zack Morris Time Out and actually did it right there in our conversation. I would never know it because the minute he snaps his finger or goes sim sim sala bim or whatever the fuck, I snap right back into reality like nothing ever happened. I could have been suspended in time for days, or long enough for him to fingerbang my asshole, etc. I, of the slightly sore but not too uncomfortable asshole, would never be the wiser. Either way, that shit’s amazing….If humans evole into Highlanders (they’re the ones who can freeze time right) I might not jump off a bridge after all.

(His future girl appeared and without a beer and he called for God again…)

in the fututre its all changing time out* come on jesus christ I could actually give yoi whatyII think the future will be bbased off my future experienve I love he’s typoing furiously….

*Fucking did it again….right the fuck there. Totally separate note here….after the asterisk in the above sentence it says “come on Jesus Christ” If hell actually existed outside the minds of infantile adults and Slayer fans, I’d be headed there for certain after chuckling at that. Back to the transcript……

Instead of mastrurbating furiously?

big vhange. So what do you thinhdsas giong to haoppen?


Why the fuck does it matter?

,uhfuggser says I end upo dead in the future…fucking prick monrk and mindy motherfucher. Mork has it right….Mindy was a whore. We don’t fuck around in the future…I was about to twll him how shits really haooens like suoer bowls and whantevs, but he’s closing his blog of what he calls it when you’re not a writer…it goes bad btw

(I think it’s worth noting that when Styles began mumbling about how he was about to go into more important topics like sports scores, he was looking right thru me in a very unsettling fashion. The average idiot would have thought he was being spoken to directly. That wasn’t it though, it was as if Styles was communicating with Future Octopus Mike directly…I envision myself looking something like the image directly below.)


Goes bad?

Humans Especially with enough hubris…Here comes hiney boo boo…entertaining your oeople…it’s disgusting…this giy is a fucking mad man…forfuck intrepterer.

(He wishes he had thought to bring an interpreter…..that’s what it sounded like anyway….too bad he didn’t bring an interpreter….)

yhomebosy says ending, no shit MOrk and iondy was a half and hour long program that preaches but has to try harder cecause he talks all faggyy and shit. And fast.

This is around the time where I didn’t feel like typing anymore so I pretty much stopped. Shortly after the interview ended he found a door in the place this all happened that the landlord kept locked (even the tenant who inhibits the place can’t get in there) for reasons unbeknownst to us. One thing was evident though; Styles was drawn to this door like johns are to your mother. I’m thinking that whatever was behind that door was his way back to his own time. Couldn’t tell you if he ever made it in there either, because frankly I don’t give a shit. Fucker timed me out and stuck his fingers in my ass, so he can go straight to hell with Sandusky and maybe you can get your butthole finger-banged and then you can see how it feels, you awful yet wise bastard. The rest of you can go eat shit. Dammit.

-Octopus Blerphthfff