In my next life I wanna be Forest Gump and get blowies from Smurfette.

“‘Sup ladies…”

Buttholes (that one’s for you, Adam…that’s it though, all the other buttholes belong to me…..wait….hold on a second…not sure that came in my mouth I outlined my thoughts the way they sounded in my mind before I started typing….),

I’m not talking about the disease where perfectly good or otherwise accomplished actors either go full retard for a role or just blatantly soil their HOLY SHIT career with a cash grab (think DiNiro in pretty much everything since Casino or fucking Steve Martin in that movie where Queen Latifah rides him on top while he looks deadpan into the camera and plays the banjo without making any noises at all*….. Well…. cept for the banjo those things are annoying, dumb, hillbilly,  all around worthless loud as fuck.

*I swear that scene was in the movie….. Maybe it was the dvd, deleted scenes…. Eat shit, no I don’t own the dvd….. A friend does, yeah that’s it…..

The malady that I’m referencing is the ability to always fuck up, I’m talking ALWAYS fuck up and come out on the other end appearing more charming than you seemed before.

This goddamned charming.

Now, I’m one seriously charming Mack Daddy (You People still use that phrase, Mack Daddy, right? You don’t? Oh well, darn…. Thanks imaginary African American friend I created for this part of the post and only this part of the post…… Well, only if there isn’t any basketball or a robbery a bit later. You never know, shit could go down. I know I’m prepared, are you?

I can pretty much talk my way past a nun’s solid steel chastity belt and right on into her dusty vagina and appear legit (and slightly crazy) while doing it. But see that’s just every-day mischievous stuff…

retard-kid_o_157311.jpg (407×417)

Look, Hanks is a retard in that goddamned movie and he gets to screw the only girl in town who just happens to be hot as fuck. I’m pretty sure she was the Smurfette of their Village because she was a gnarly whore. Southern chicks are ladylike, proper and good cooks. Aside from humping every guy in the Village I never saw her baking any delicious cakes. Only thing she baked was AIDS and AIDS tastes like shit. Wtf Jenny?

All things considered, I’m thinking that I’m only half as retarded as Forest Gump and I do all kinds of charming and lovable shit just like him. Where’s my whore-sex? Huh? Oh yeah, I had more than my share when I was using and selling cocaine and ecstasy out of a dorm room at a University I wasn’t enrolled in when I was 21. Either way, you get the idea.

When I don’t bathe, try to grow a beard and go out for Cross Country looking like a homeless Jesus, Coach goes, “Mike, maybe you should wash up and maybe shave a little, too. Whatev’s tho, that’s cool.” Sucks right? Where’s my goddamned shrimp boat?Never got to play ping pong in the Oriental Orimpics or hang out with a drunk, legless and feisty Gary Sinise either…. Fucking loved that guy in that one movie where he plays a weird guy.

So any of you buttholes (my butthole, Adam….mine) read stuff by the guy who wrote Naked Lunch? Crap….. honest to Jeebus I can’t think of homey’s name, but I know there’s 3 initials. I swear to you I’m not “forgetting on purpose”, setting up some elaborate joke or shitty pun. I friggin forget….. See that’s what I’m talking about. Forest fucking Gump forgets to be not a retard and he gets blowies from whores, while I forget to pay bills and fuckers wanna shut off the power and evict us.

Where were we….

Well, for the sake of the article, let’s just call him Turd F. Urgeson or TFU for short.

So I’m hanging out with a guy who writes screenplays the other day, a very well read gentleman who knows more about literature than you do….. Unless you wear cutoff jean shorts and ride a bike with only one gear….. Then you know WAAAAAAAAY more than like fucking everyone ever. Impressive, snappy-dressed, intellectually advanced future of our country, sonofabitch.

So in conclusion, not only am I an all-time pantheon level writer and all the other points I already made, but I got one hell of a jumpshot.

BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!! (or robbery of an entire culture)

Take it from here, Imaginary African American friend!

Eat shit, Mike.

Isn’t he cool the way he turns words and phrases that are usually negative into cool and hip lingo?!

Aiight then…….fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, I’m out.

Peace Greases,

Octopus Mike