Fuck Jack Johnson


First thing first. I can’t fucking stand Jack Johnson. Not on a personal level, I’ve never hung out with the guy, I just play one on TV. When I see Jack Johnson, I’m seeing Good Guy Greg pretty much. See Below.

Lets just go ahead and agree that Jack Johnson is for the most part, Good Guy Greg. Take a look for yourself.

Is he a guy that could watch my kids (I call my balls my kids, and really, he can watch them all he wants but he needs to be a platinum member before he gets access)? Sure is.

Would he make a good little league manager and let someone other than his son pitch every now and again? Probably.

Does he call his mom more than once a week, and not because he feels he “should?” I’d buy it.

Is he a guy who looks capable of writing emotionally moving rock and roll? Fuck no. Look at his happy fucking stupid face. Look at it. I don’t know about you, but if I ever catch my kids (real children, not my balls…my balls only listen to The ’86 Angels) listening to this filth, I’m taking them straight to a Slayer show, I’m gonna make them smoke PCP (think Training Day) and then I’m gonna find the biggest, fattest, ugliest and meanest looking Hell’s Angels couple and I’m going to show them my kids (my balls, not my children) and fuck the wifecow, then I’m gonna run away like a pussy and leave them behind to pick up the pieces.

Now, obviously the outline above is a tad extreme…might have been embellishing a little. Those little pricks are pussies just like their old man, so they’ll be running away with me.

Basically every point I’ve ever really made on this site, including this one, comes down to the Theory of 90/10. The diehard Hamstringers have undoubtedly heard me reference this a number of times over the years, but not once have I ever explained it. Like everything else in my life, I promise I’m going to do something and I either put it off until the last possible minute or I forget about it altogether.

The following is the Octopus Hamstring’s Theory of the 90/10. As with everything else, I will lean heavily on analogies and other tricks commonly used by shoddy writers to disguise poor writing.

In November I quit my job. In not quite these words, I told my boss to go fuck himself and he could take the job and put it on some other schmuck. Did Mike have a contingency plan? Of course not. Long story short (seriously…short…not wasting time on this) I got a better, more prestigious job with a competitor right down the street in early January. If any of you were wondering why this page isn’t getting the attention from me it used to, there’s your answer. That, and my ADD has dictated that my spare time should be dedicated to The ’86 Angels instead. In two months it’ll be hockey or some shit. How does this relate to the 90/10? I don’t have a fucking clue. I’m really digging Jack in the Box tacos right now.

If there is any relevence to the above story, it’s that my boss at the old company, as well as the majority of coworkers were what I call 90%’ers. (This isn’t why he was a prick though and most of my coworkers are fucking awesome)

Keep this is mind though…if you’re a regular reader of this blog you’re a 10%’er. You’re straight-up fucked. Continue reading and find out why.

The 90%

  • Most often have a smile on their face, and most often times it is a genuine one
  • Give a shit about reality television and discuss it in the workplace with no sense of cynicism
  • Own or have owned one of the following band/artists’ records; Creed, Beyonce, JACK JOHNSON, Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Nelly, Uncle Cracker, Smashmouth, Coldplay (I loved their first album when it came out and wouldn’t turn it off it came up on shuffle now. Fuck you.), U2, etc…
  • Vote
  • Are excited about going to Home Depot, Living Spaces, Bed Bath & Beyond on the weekends
  • View having children as one of life’s non-negotiables and look genuinely confused with the idea that there are other paths to fulfillment
  • Don’t know what the fuck Reddit is
  • Have better things to do than think about and discuss music or art as anything other than just that…a commodity
  • Are happy people
  • Are incredibly smart, but not for the reasons they would tell you, and these reasons wouldn’t occur to them anyway
The 10%
  • View cynicism and irony (I’m not talking about hipsters here…don’t see the “I” word and assume that’s what I’m talking about…every hipster I know personally is a 90%’er lacking the self-awareness to know it) as a form of social currency, and in most cases would never admit that to themselves
  • View sitting with another 10%’er and discussing their own hypocrisy as it relates to work and life on a Saturday as productive
  • Are suspicious of everything
  • Are usually, or have at one point been a using drug-addict (I’m an addict, just not a using one…I’ll be an addict until the day I die, it’s who I am)
  •  Are in denial
  • In an evolutionary sense are fucking themselves in the ass and will ultimately be forgotten
  • Know what Reddit is
  • Are incredibly smart, but not for the reasons they would tell you, and these reasons wouldn’t occur to them anyway
90% of the population floats on through, listening to chill brahs like Jack Johnson, being nice to one another, giving to charity, reproducing and repopulating their corner of the Earth with more 90%’ers.
10% of the population grinds through every back-breaking minute of existence, worrying about things ranging from I hope my dick works when I need to take a piss at the Angel game tonight because if it doesn’t and there’s a line forming behind you, it’ll only increase your anxiety therefor making it even less likely to get a solid stream started to shouldering the weight of human rights violations like wartime rape and wondering how everyone else can be so fucking happy when this kind of shit is happening.
Which one is smarter, you tell me. Which one is dancing the Babooshka with natural selection and fucking leading? Which one is ensuring that the Earth will be blessed with generations of more well-adjusted socially comfortable people who will be happy being a well-adjusted socially comfortable person?
You remember this shit when you’re accusing me of painting a picture where the artists/independent thinkers/wannabe Hemmingways are the complex, cool, enlightened out of the two groups and everyone else is a mindless robot, blah blah fucking blah…
I’m an idiot, and if you’re a regular reader of  The Octopus Hamstring you’re an idiot, too. Fuck Jack Johnson. Listen to Slayer and The ’86 Angels.

 

 

My dog is better than your kids (your children and your balls),
Mike

Iggy Pop Boombox Apathy

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