You Mean There’s a Game On?! Mike Apathy’s Big Sports Thingy XLVI Observations, Chapter 1


note: this was originally published just a few minutes ago on a new site I’m running, Riding a Dead Horse. Another site, you ask? More on that another time. Tyler and I are just fine, fyi.

Hey, Mike....I'm sophisticated as fuck.

Fuck off, Winston. I’m actually kind of busy right now. Who you trying to convince there by the way? I told you man, you’re cool. Just be yourself. Either way, I don’t have time to hear stories about your glory days as a top recruited running back at Jefferson High School (…or Washington High, Jackson High, etc…I can’t remember) before you ruptured your gallbladder, lost the farm to that evil railroad baron and somethefuckhow ended up at the ass-end of the Ghostbusters’ starting rotation (waiver deal? trade? called up from the minors?).

I’m watching the game, hanging out with the CDO and trying to write this shit all at the same time.

Don’t wander off too far though, I need a ride to get smokes at halftime.

I shit you not, the vanity plate reads, 3ATPU55Y. Real sophisticated, Winston. Besides, I thought black people didn't eat pussy? Guys must be busy swimming.....or not taking half-hour 15 minute breaks.

“Heeeeeeeeey, Mike. Hanging out with Ernie Hudson, huh? We not cool anymore?”
“Don’t worry about my business, Gyllenhaal. Ernie’s just a friend. A good friend. Enough about me. Are you having fun on the set of Michael Jackson’s Do You Remember the Time video?”

"Oh go fuck yourself. Have fun with Ernie. Tell him I said whats up. Whatever you do though, don't buy any dope off him. He steps on his coke with the souls of dead babies, and once they're ingested, they have to live in the user's colon FOR ETERNITY. ETERNITY, MIKE."

“Dead baby souls, Eh? Must’ve held on to his proton pack when he got laid off. HEYOOOOO!!!! But seriously, yeah…I’ll tell him whats up. Chipotle this week? Let me know”

This is the first (and realistically, probably the only) chapter of my Super Bowl XLVI Unintentional Comedy Observations and HOLY SHIT RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS CLINT EASTWOOD IS DOING A DODGE COMMERCIAL AT HALFTIME AND HE SOUNDED EXACTLY GRAN TORINO…….I THINK HE FINALLY HAD HIS “AW FUCK IT….” MOMENT AND MADE THE TRANSFORMATION. NOW SHUT UP DRAGON LADY, AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER.

Where was I? Aw fuck it….

(my aw fuck it moment)

I’m only here for the unintentional comedy cuz I really can’t stand either team. No Black & Silver on the field? No Green & White, or Orange & Blue (CHI) either? No thanks, I’ll watch Lawn Bowling on the Ocho.

Here’s what I got so far:

1. Miranda Lambert is actually a 6 year-old Toddler Beauty Pageant contestant with a thyroid disorder.

 

2. The Pepsi Commercial with Elton John and R&B Sensation of the Week didn't actually need to bring in a wardrobe dept. Conveniently, Elton had all that shit just lying around.

 

3. I don't think journalism was Brian Williams' first occupation *see directly below image

Okay, maybe not exactly like Brian Williams, but if you squint your eyes like Leonardo DiCaprio (it’s not just in Inception, just ran a google image search and HE IS ALWAYS SQUINTING) and then look again, it should do the trick……then again, we all look the same anyway, right Oriental Lady Who Looks Like She’s 103 But Is Actually 56?!

Alright, that’s all I got for Chapter 1…….There’s a pretty good Seinfeld commercial on right now that I’m gonna have to come  back to….”LENO”
Peace, Greases.
-Mike
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