Would you rather have Pujols on your favorite team or have the ability to suck your own dick?


image

Friends,

See that picture above? Spider-Man dry humping the sky? Remember the old days when we actually gave a damn and took care of the little details like a quirky lead pic, usually with a witty caption written by our team of comedy writers? Those days are long gone, Fuckers. We’re still in a recession. Now when you log on you’re prolly gonna get an overused Jawbreaker lyric or a video of a Chinaman jump roping. Speaking of Chinamen and dry humping, I’ve done that all day long. I’ve walked around like Ed Grimly with my crotch leading the way and making the important decisions. We’ve all had awkward boners, but this one is hard as a rock and it’s spectacular. We have Albert Pujols to thank. Thanks, Al, for a boner that has lasted WAY longer than four hours. I’m not calling a doctor, I’m calling a hooker.

I’m so fucking happy, I levitated earlier. Some asshole at Wendy’s must have thought I was a god or something, and he freaked out like that fat kid on the internet a couple of years ago. So just for the fuck if it, I decide to levitate up the side of the building and grind my junk up on the big 50 foot tall Wendy. Thats what a good baseball team does to you.

This is how Will Ferrell probably felt in that SNL skit where he was the guy who did yoga, daily, for years just so he could get flexible enough to suck his own dick. By the time he finally manages to do it he’s old and bearded and insane. But the payoff is solid gold blowjob action.

If you came up to me now and offered me a choice between:

A. The Angels sign Albert Pujols to a 10 year deal, immediately changing EVERYTHING and changing the way that history will view the team forever?

or

B. From here on out, and til the day you die, you’ll be flexible enough to comfortably do auto-fellatio on your own penis…you’ll even be limber enough to get back and under the crevice for the balls?

If we suspended all disbelief for a second, here’s how I play it; Obviously I’d excuse myself to the closest bathroom, lock myself in the handy-stall for about 45 minutes and start sucking and blowing like Mega-Maid. And just so we’re clear…If it turns out you’re nothingbut a sneaky snake oil salesman and you just wanted sit around with your friends, drink beer and laugh your asses off waiting for me to inevitably rupture something in my neck or my back, because I was in a fucked up place while I was trying to suck my own dick. You’re a bastard…cold blooded. Next time I see you out, me and Alvin the Public Masturbator are going to take turns holding you down and shitting in your ass. Here’s a list of things you do not do, mess with or fuck around with; the “Off Limits List” if you will:

1. Big Worm’s money/emotions

2. Looking directly into your own eyes, in the mirror, while tripping on psychedelics

3. Warren’s ear

4. Warren’s baseball/aka his weeeeenuh

5. Wu-Tang Clan

6. Play cards with anyone wearing an eye patch or who’s first name is a reference to a weight or a drinking problem with the same last name as a city, i.e. “Salt Lake City Slim”

7. My outside jumper

8. Bradley Nowell’s dog. You’re a fool if you do.

9. Texas

10. Old Man Strength

11. Trying to give yourself a beej without a spotter

Not sure exactly what my next point is here….Humor me. You know what…forget that. I’m humorous enough. Why don’t you get me a coffee. 

So your band wants to play a cover of Stairway to Heaven at your gig this weekend? Moron, it’s a rule that you don’t cover Stairway because you’re only going to make those bloated, irrelevant Zeppelin creeps look better than they were. You don’t challenge Andy Dick to a contest of who can be gayer, you don’t cover Stairway to Fucking Heaven and you sure as shit don’t offer someone the non-existent “You’ll get to suck your own Yo…” angle.

Yes…I called my dick my Yo. Try dropping it in casual conversation next time you and your buddies are talking about dicks.

In the alternate and somewhat slightly off-kilter reality that we foster here at the Octopus Hamstring, we’d still rather get ourselves hard over poo holes than waste our lives searching for Jesus’ cup….the holiest of holys…..the ability to suck ourselves off.

Vegas has the Angels at 7-1 to make the World Series, draw the Phillies and win it all.

The following is a text message I received earlier today from Head.

” So I’m at Jerry’s Dogs for lunch and a guy walked in wearing angel gear head to toe. I asked him if he heard the Dodgers signed Aaron Harang today….he wasn’t amused.”

Have a good weekend, don’t get hit by a car. Oh yeah, cuz my dopamine/serotonin levels are higher now that they’ve been in years without juicing and my whole attitude is pretty much like I just stumbled into an abandoned warehouse where the T-Mobile girl is doing inventory in one of her snappy little dresses…only a tit has poked its way out to say hi. It saw its own shadow, so that means 4G for everyone…yeah buddy. The warehouse stocks pure Unicorn Semen Burritos. I’m gonna levitate my skinny ass over there for American Horror Story on the DVR after I tuck in the CDO. Here are funny pictures that I stole from other websites. Try to suck yourself off while you finish the article.

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

 

For Tyler, Head and Alvin the Public Masturbator,

This is Mike Apathy signing off.

Advertisements