Listen to Pollution People, Worship Satan
“I wanna remind you that [today] is the first of the month and it’s customary to say ‘rabbit, rabbit’ before you say anything else. Think about that, write yourself a note. Alright, have a nice time.”
I fucking miss Jawbreaker, Man. I usually throw a pic up at the top of my posts, but the quote above its what you’re getting. Don’t like it? Want another pic of Drunk Danny Devito? Kick rocks. File a complaint with Tyler, so he can “think differently” on your ass and cut through to what’s really behind your frustrations. I’ll save you the time and trouble. You’re welcome.
You’re bummed because you lack good music. Your wore out the grooves on your Buzzoven vinyl a long time ago, and for some reason you can’t man up and accept reality; Wu Tang’s never putting out another classic record. Ever. Those obscure Wu-Affiliates albums are just methadone, dude. Your smack dealer hasn’t had any decent shit since 1997 (and some would argue that it was already pretty stepped-on by that point too).
So check it out….Apparently my Twitter feed isn’t completely useless. Out of my 11 followers, with 10 of them probably fake profiles that my Mom threw together, so I wouldn’t feel like a loser, blah blah blah, yeah…11. That last one…numero uno uno, netted me two pretty good returns…just like my current stock portfolio.
Wu-Tang Financial: Diversify, Bitches.
*Hey Phat B, I didn’t do my usual Google search to see if I got my pop-culture reference right…think you can be a pal and correct me in the comments section if I’m wrong? Thx. Dick.
Unless my mom likes to snort crank while she’s touring with her really fucking good metal/post-hardcore band that effectively incorporates a tasteful amount of borderline screamo (holy balls, I just described At the Drive-In…minus the crank; those guys were into opiates…sweet, wonderful opiates…) behind my back, I actually came out on top for once.
Return #1: RZA Fund
Good new band to listen to, and be excited about.
Return #2: Ghostface Fund
These fuckers have funny tour stories that make for good reading…..on the shitter, Gina. The shitter.
*Yes, RZA and Ghost are definitely my favorite Wu-allums, as well as the most aggressive with their investment advice.
Listen to Pollution People because they’re fucking good. Worship Satan because you fucking should. Rabbit Rabbit a week early.
Pollution People Random-Ass Tour Story #1: Coke Hoarder (Florida)
*I’m not editing anything; this reads exactly as emailed….and my Santa Ana jerk-off from a week ago proves I shouldn’t be editing anything except ADD Weekly anyway. Get me some fucking adderall, someone…please…
A 45 year old lady invites us to her house after a show in Florida, two of us ride with her while the rest follow in the van and trailer. Note: we had been drinking excessively at the venue. We’re on the highway and she pulls out a cd case tells me to grab the wheel so i do as I’m told, she pulls out a baggy FULL of cocaine but looked dirty and was probably meth. So I’m holding the wheel for at least what felt like 10 mins as she proceeds to snort lines through a dirty dollar bill and telling us stories about how shes famous for letting big bands stay at her house. So we’re getting close to the house and she starts taking her shirt off while I’m still holding the wheel. Me and my band mate are just looking at each other laughing but at the same time scared. What I thought was a death ride finally stopped when we pulled up to this sketch bag’s house that looked like a meth lab. Turns out her girlfriend was there waiting for us. We all take our things inside trying to make the best of our funny/sketchy situation. She leads us out back to a dark pool where we can’t see anything and theres no lights, the two girls start getting naked telling us all to get in, some of us thought it would be funny while the rest of the crew just laughed and said no. So we’re all in the pool and the two old broads just start making out and touching each other, we were just drunk laughing like what’s going on. Then they started grabbing us like forcing us to get out and go in the house, saying you guys are gonna have sex with us. Note: these girls are old and not very good looking or this story would of probably ended differently. Were just laughing like na na were just tryin to chill. They get mad and start threatening us saying all this bullshit. They end up locking themselves in this room and were like coo we can just chill now, we saw enough for one night. Then like an hour later some guy starts banging on the front door all crazy yelling open the fuckin door i know there are guys here, we weren’t too shook up cuz we had a big crew and our drummer likes to carry a gun haha we try telling the girls that someone was here but they wouldn’t answer or come out of the room. Then he kicks in the door and is like Where the fuck is *****? He goes to her room kicks her door in and they were gone no one was in the room, they obviously snuck out the window. The guy says to us Tell ***** I’m here for her and she’s dead. We’re just stunned like ok. He bounces were all in shock like wtf just happened. We talk about it and laugh and we still stay the night for some reason. Everything’s fine in the morning we wake up but the girls were gone still. We look around the house no ones there just us, we look out back by the pool which is now visible and it’s straight dark green with slime on the walls and the top layer covered with dead bugs and tree branches. We had no idea how dirty it was cuz it was dark and we were drunk. We gather our things head to our next show. We still haven’t heard back from this girl to this day. We looked up missing girls in Florida there was no articles on her so shes probably out there still alive persuading bands to stay the at her whore house. Bands be cautious
Gotta admit…Back in my playing days things were different. I probably would’ve spent the next 2 days nailing her with an awkward limpie after snorting the lines pun-intended to Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious” off of her saggy meth boobs. What the hell, Pollution People? Don’t they still offer Intro to Degenerate Behavior at Aspiring Rockstar College? Guess the budget cuts are affecting everyone these days.
Either way, helluva story…don’t fuck with their drummer.
For Tyler, Rock Musicians who need to read Iggy Pop’s biography, “Lust For Life” and Wu-Tang Financial,
This is Mike Apathy signing off.