I’m going to start by telling you guys something that Tyler tells to every girl he sleeps with before their inaugural romp…
This is going to be a short one…
I actually tried to post this last night, but apparently the sneaky-ass city of Redondo Beach launched a Shock & Awe campaign against my mobile service last night.
4G, my ass. The only 4 G’s that Mike Apathy was hanging out with last night were Randy Watson, Randy’s little brother ET*, a buddy who we’ll call Saints and my dick. So, because of the aggression (it will not stand, man) shown to my cell phone last night, you’re getting this post today. Leftover spaghetti is even better the next day, you know it’s true (girl you know it’s true/ooh ooh ooh….blah blah blah…don’t lie, that song popped into your head when you read that, just like it did mine when I wrote it)
*I’m calling him ET from now on, due to his irrational fear of UFO’s. I shit you not (as opposed to, “I shit you?”), he’s a grown-ass man and he’s afraid of little green space men…seriously dude, if they ever did invade, all you gotta do to get rid of those sexy little fuckers is blast a Slim Whitman record. Maybe there’s a repressed childhood memory behind it, something fun and dirty involving consensual anal probing. Who knows. Hey Elliott, how’s your goblin?
Alright, that was pretty fun.
Here’s last night’s post.
I’m at a restaurant near the beach right now and there’s a Vietnamese lady Flamenco dancing. She’s really good and it’s kind of fucking with me. Whatever, good for her…if her people can invent the compact car and DVD players, I suppose Flamenco isn’t too far of a stretch.
Also, there’s an entire wall covered with crosses here too. I was outside smoking a cigarette a minute ago, and the two chicks I was with were talking about it. I misunderstood what they were saying…Uncle Mike’s hearing is worse than your credit score…I thought they were talking about “waffle crosses.”
Now I got to thinking; If churches had waffles, I’d probably go once in a while. Religious folks are way too hung up on trivial shit like homosexuality, good and evil and all kinds of other nonsense. Cut the bullshit and start passing out waffles, dammit. You take, take, take, all the fucking time….it wouldn’t kill you to give back a little. Give waffles.
Alright muthafuckas, talk to you soon……
For Tyler, that sandbagging, owes-us-a-column-bastard, Randy Watson (who’s company I’m enjoying at dinner right now actually), ET, Saints and waffles…and Orientals.
This is Mike Apathy signing off.