Office Politics


Below is a linear outline of a scenario that took place a few weeks ago over at a colleague’s place of work…same industry as your Uncle Mike. I thought this was absofuckinglutely hilarious. It’s ridiculous, but I’ve worked at places where these types of things are as real as Chtulu. 

If you’re unemployed (for those of you that are, there’s a part of me that envies you), or if you work in a field that is accepting of jeans, Converse and liquid lunches, this article goes out to you. Remember, while you’re out there putting the finishing touches on your Thesis outlining the full-bodied character of Pliny the Younger and the varieties of hops used to brew it, the rest of us are farming cubicles like they do on TV.

Directly below is the suggested soundtrack to be played while reading the rest of this article…If you find that you still have some reading left to do and the song is already over, you’re probably retarded and you more than likely read at a 4th grade level. You should probably call in a favor with your rich dad and do a 2 week re-do of elementary school, where you can fall in love with a pretty average looking teacher. If it turns out that you are, in fact, retarded, I’ve included a 2nd song for you to play while you finish up. If the 2nd song is over before you read the rest of this post, sorry…I got nuthin’ more for you. It’s nudie magazine day.

***Big Boss and Direct Supervisor are in Big Boss’ office talking when Big Boss pops his head out and motions to my friend (we’ll call him Bruce*)

You're worthless.

Big Boss: “Bruce, come to my office, close the door.”

***Bruce does as he’s told and takes a seat across from Big Boss at his desk right next to Supervisor

Big Boss: “Look at these numbers from yesterday. What’s going on man? Why is activity down? It’s 4th Quarter. What the fuck were you doing yesterday? I need production from your block.”

Bruce: “Yeah, I know all about it. Lots of admin bullshit yesterday.”

Big Boss: “You’re having a shit month, activity should be higher than normal. Why is your activity so low?”

Bruce: “Like I told you, lots of admin bullshit. Yeah, I know I’m having a shit month, but the activity is there. Take a look. I’m not making any excuses, though. What do you want to see from me?”

Big Boss: “Get your head in the game. This is bullshit. You do know that there are tools available, that you can use throughout the day, that can help you get the most out of your efforts, right?”

Bruce: “I didn’t even log in yesterday, no point. I was busy putting out fires and planting seeds.”

Big Boss: “We need fucking production. Do you know what your block did in 4th Quarter 2010?”

Bruce: “‘—-‘ last October, ‘—-‘ last November and ‘—-‘ last December. I know all about it.”

Big Boss: “What’s up with this year? What’s different?”

Bruce: “We moved over the lion’s share of the available business last year and the biz that we weren’t able to write, Competitor #1 moved all of it to their own ABC Product, so our niche has shrunk substantially.”

Big Boss: “Figure it out. Where the fuck is Coworker #1?”

Bruce: “Not sure.”

***Direct Supervisor opens the door to Big Boss’ office, sticks his head out and yells to the department floor,

Direct Supervisor: “Anyone know where Coworker #1 is?!”

***Couple of seconds later, Coworker #2 yells out a reply from the other side of the floor

Coworker #2: “Pretty sure Coworker #1 was heading to the restroom last time I saw him.”

Direct Supervisor to Big Boss: “I think he’s taking a shit.”

Big Boss: “Bruce, go pull him out of the bathroom, we’re having a department meeting in the small conference room in 2 minutes.”

Direct Supervisor: “Yeah, go grab him.”

***Bruce leaves Big Boss’ office and heads to the men’s restroom on that floor. He opens the door and walks in; he quickly notices that the restroom is empty except for one occupied stall

Bruce: (assuming that it’s Coworker #1 in the stall) “Coworker #1 is that you in there?”

Coworker #1: “What the fuck do you want man, I’m taking a shit?”

Bruce: “Big Boss is calling a meeting in the small conference room now, he told me to come grab you. Finish up.”

Coworker #1: “Fuck.”

***Bruce gets back to the small conference room where Big Boss is waiting with Direct Supervisor…Big Boss tells everyone that has gathered that the meeting is postponed until 2PM…he then leaves without giving an explanation…not 30 seconds following, Coworker #1 enters the room looking confused and disheveled

Bruce: “Big Boss says the meeting’s not ’til 2PM now. Sorry man.”

Coworker#1: “I pinched off my shit for this?”

*I love the name “Bruce.” Seriously. Super versatile name…it can go from cross-dressing and being into topping Twinks all the way over to Chuck Norris/Most Interesting Man in the World territory, in as much time as it takes my wife to max out my credit card at the mall. Just so you know, that’s quickly. Anyway…check out these Bruce’s:

  1. Lee
  2. Springsteen
  3. Campbell
  4. Willis
  5. Jenner

I think you all should continue with the proud tradition if possible. From here on out, all of your unplanned children from black-out-drunk, hanging out with a one-eyed smuggler named El Chingon, in Mexico weekends, should be named Bruce.

Speaking of Bruce Jenner…I thought this was super funny. On, in a recent post, Bill Simmons threw out some pretty good Halloween costume ideas; this might be my favorite. The George Ron Washington and the Carson Palmer ideas are gold, too. Anyway…I ran the Bruce Jenner one past the CDO yesterday, to see if she’d do it next year, and all I got was, “You’re dumb.” Meh. I’m hotlinking the article, read it if you have time…good stuff.

Bruce Jenner:
A funny costume for women — just dress and look like you normally would, only wear a fake Olympic gold medal

That's pretty nasty, Mike. Poor bastard.

Dude, totally. Got plans this weekend? Del Taco’s got a new carnitas burrito that I heard was pretty good. Lunch tomorrow?

Sounds awesome, but I can’t. Gonna be neck-deep in Reese Witherspoon’s TNA this weekend. Raincheck.
For Tyler, Bruce, Head (because he mentioned yesterday that he’s got a new article he’s working on) and Jake…go get yours, Buddy.
This is Mike Apathy signing off.
P.S. – Can we give it up for Tyler?! He rose to the challenge and posted over the weekend! Granted, he took the easy road and posted the first of a series of “installments”, but whatever…small tits are better than no tits. Also…not sure if you guys have checked it out yet, but I’m really digging Phat B’s site right now…funny stuff. Check it out if you haven’t already…it’s in our blogroll, but considering how addicted we are to convenience, here’s the link. Woot woot.
Get to chooglin’.