Tyler is Dead
Blah, Blah, Blah. You’re worse than my statistics professor, Mike Apathy. You’ve turned this whole blogging business into a fucking homework assignment. I should be watching a new episode of Breaking Bad, or studying for my exam, or sleeping.
And who the fuck voted against me? Where is the confidence? Where is the faith?
This was written a while back, and I never finished it, so I’ve decided to present it to you (our readers) in bi-annual installments. Hope you’re happy, Mike.
Sometime a few months ago or something-
Mike, Mike, Mike, you’ve really done it this time. My only concern is the lack of detail with regard to the actual act of sex. You didn’t claim preference for top or bottom, nor did you postulate which position your ‘man crushes” would prefer to assume. Now, prior to last December I wouldn’t have known the difference between a top or a bottom, or what “Shrimping” is, but since moving in with a “twink” named Alex, the culture has invaded my psyche the same way pubic hairs invade my mouth when performing cunilingus; lovingly. With this newfound knowledge I feel compelled to educate those still living in the dark, and Mike, you’re going to be among the first. Actually, I think you probably already know the ins and outs of anal sex with men, but for those who don’t I present to you “The Octopus Hamstring Guide to Gay Sex”, fruitfully inspired by Mike Apathy.
Total Bottom- It’s assumed most often by religious extremists and people who belong to fraternities that gay men always go both ways, but this, however, is a common misconception. The Total Bottom is the donut to the Top’s hotdog. Bottoms love getting their holes lubed and drilled the same way Japanese women love being extremely annoying in porn. Apparently, they get their rocks off perfectly well while being penetrated, and their orgasm is sometimes achieved with the help of a reach around from their partner, granted he has long enough arms. Think “rusty trombone”, but instead of blowing into the trombone you’re fucking it. There’s a lot more prep involved when you’re a bottom because it’s typically desirable for one to maintain a butt cave that’s perpetually ready for unexpected company (penises). These guys sometimes go to the extreme of using pre-coitus enemas. There’s no way Mike could be a bottom because last time the subject of ass hygiene came up he explained to me that his routine was similar to sliding a credit card through a credit card terminal.
Bears- Large, mostly rotund men who are heavily lathered in hair from head to toe. Bears are what make being gay fun, especially if you’re into Disney films. A Bear is to the gay community what a mustache is to the hipster community. There are Bear bars, Bear parties, and Bear bands.
Cubs- Think Bear, only less pronounced in stature.
For those who believed,