I see you driving ’round town with the girl I love….


Mike Napoli and Ron Washington in the Honeymoon Phase

Friends,

The following its a transcript of an email thread I had over the last day or two with a colleague:

From: Colleague, To: Mike
Sent: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 9:40

Subject: RE:

Thanks honey!

You are the best!

GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW *** says Hello.

From: Mike, To: Colleague
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2011 8:04 AM 

Subject: RE: 

BOOOOOO!!!!

From: Colleague, To: Mike
Sent: Wednesday, October 25, 2011 8:09

Subject: RE:

Really, must you be a sour puss?!

XOXOOXOX

 
From: Mike, To: Colleague
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2011 8:32 AM

Subject: RE:

Yes. Absolutely. I’m bitter because Mike Scoscia & Arte Moreno thought it a better idea last offseason to trade Mike Napoli to the Blue Jays for Vernon Wells and his albatross of a contract. That alone is enough to make me cringe, but watching Mike Napoli turn into the best power-hitting catcher I’ve ever seen is really messing with me. Here’s an analogy that I think will drive my point home.

Basically I was dating a girl…I was her very first boyfriend actually. She had a ton of marriage potential, she did just about everything right, but she could admittedly use a little work on her housecleaning skills…the little things, etc. Everything was really nice for a while, we had some great times together; we traveled, went out a lot, etc. After about 3 years we started fighting and arguing more often. She put on some weight and she lost some motivation. Her enthusiasm for the relationship was dwindling. Frankly June was too. I thought I could do better with an older woman I’d had my eyes on. After 5 years of mostly good times, I decided to beak up with her over the winter. I always treated her well, and I just felt like she wasn’t filling the role I was looking for her to fill. Not long after the breakup, I started seeing that older woman I mentioned. Turns out ONLY good quality was her appearance. Well the minute this happens, the chick I thought I was trading up for let her looks go completely. And then to top it off, she decides that she can only eat at the finest restaurants and wear the finest high heels straight out of fashion week. Basically, she spends almost every penny I have. Even worse, and unbeknownst to me, part of what made her hot was that a few years ago she was taking beauty supplements and now she can’t because they banned her favorite product in this country.

Now my ex…..She went out and got a gym pass, lost about 15 lbs and got a really good boob job. Soon after, she started dating the owner of an exciting new .com that just went public. Oh yeah, and he appointed her to his board of directors, so she’s earning an annual take of about $5.8 mil. To make matters worse, it seems like wherever I am, or whatever I’m doing, they’re always there! They’re always nearby, smiling and flaunting their happiness while my new GF eats Twinkies on the custom Italian leather sofa that she made me buy for her.

Perfect motherfuckers...

This is enough to drive any man crazy, yeah? Well imagine that you’re observing your ex and her new boyfriend and all of a sudden a second power couple shows up on the scene. They’re both very attractive too, but something is different about them. They’re not cocky…they don’t hoot and holler or showoff in front of others, which they could based on status alone…it so happens that the BF in this new couple is a proven businessman at a top stock brokerage, LaRussa & Pujols. He’s well-off and she’s got classic beauty oozing out of every pour. They’ve got it going on and they don’t need to flaunt it.

There’s a shakeup in the business world, and it just so happens that Team A, my ex and her new asshole BF and Team B, the old money couple with class, find themselves in a situation where they’re bidding on the same business contract. Whoever gets it will reap a humongous windfall of success and be remembered in the business world as a major player.

 

LaRussa & Pujols: Classy

If my ex’s new f*ck toy/business partner gets the deal, they’re going to be rubbing it in my face every time I bump into them at Pavilions. And that will happen more than you’d think. If I had to guess, it would be somewhere in the ballpark of 19-20 times.

Now, if the other power couple gets the deal, good for them. They might not have the industry buzz that Team A has, but they’ve been around the block and do business with integrity. Plus, if Team B gets the contract, it won’t be nearly as hard for me when I bump into asshole and whatsherface at the grocery store….as a matter of fact, if they get lippy with me, I can always throw the fact that they lost out on 2 HUGE business  opportunities in a row (they lost an acquisition opportunity  to San Francisco start-up last fall).

 
That’s why the Texas Rangers absolutely cannot win the World Series.

So…how’s the file on ABC Widget Company coming along?

For Tyler and my Colleague,

This is Mike Apathy signing off.

 

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