50% of America is jobless and 19% of all statistics are made up 34% of the time.


Friends,

There’s a real chance that Mike Apathy might find himself unemployed soon. I’m not talking next week soon, but soon nonetheless. Shit’s getting hot at the widget factory.

First off, like plenty of other folks, I work in an industry that was hit hard by the economic crash that was caused by greedy Americans* who put self-interest and financial gain above integrity and decency in the latter years of the previous decade.

*I’m not just talking about bankers and CEO’s who got rich by fucking honest people (Does such a thing exist?) in the ass. I’m talking about normal folks, too…People who jumped at the chance to pull down their pants and let those bankers and CEO’s fuck them. “Regular” people played a part, make no mistake. To all you uber-liberal rainforest-types, placing blame on everyone else but yourselves:

I’m totally behind Occupy Wall Street, so fuck off.

I understand that insurrection ignites change, free Mumia and all of that shit, but let’s see what kind of comeback you have for this! How many 99%’ers didn’t give a shit about the small print, got tunnel vision and bought property, thinking it was their turn to get a slice? How many of them said “Hey, what the hell…When’s the next time you’re gonna find a 5-bedroom house in Laguna Hills for under $150k and no downpayment? What’s the worst that could happen? Hwy man, don’t you have a cousin over at Countrywide…” How many dove head-first into inevitable foreclosure, thinking (not thinking is more accurate) they were diving head-first into Scrooge McDuck’s money pile? How many fitting that bill are now playing the role of victim? If that scenario describes you or your friends, you’re just as much to blame as the smiling loan officer that ass-fucked you.

Where were we…… Ahhhhh yes….

Second off (Grammatically, “Second off” sounds kinda wonky, yeah? Anyone wanna look that up?), I’m not an economist. I don’t have a bulletproof formula that will get our country back on its feet**, or even a phoney idea that I can bullshit about for an entire post. Elvis Christ, is there even anything coherent in my head at this point at all? I wish all the pundits on TV, all the WordPress bloggers and your drunk fucking uncle would ask themselves the same question.

**What does “get our country back on its feet” even mean? Were we ever on our feet to begin with even? I have no idea.

Third off (Ahhhhh screw it if it sounds wonky), I’m not a statistics guy unless we’re talking about baseball, so I’m in no place to start throwing numbers out of my ass, lest I look like a total idiot.

Bite your tongue and take the high road on that one, Jake. Take the layup and get back on D.

That’s funny to you?

Nice Minor Threat t-shirt, Jake. They’re playing in Hollywood next month with Chicago. Wanna grab burritos and go to the gig with me and Tyler?

Hey Hot Topic, how many times do I have to tell you to stop trying so hard? Dude, have you even heard Minor Threat? They broke up in the early 80’s; You, Tyler and I aren’t getting burritos and going to see them with Chicago in Hollywood next month.

Ok. Fine. The three of us can still get burritos.

Jesus Christ, that guy can be such a child sometimes.

The point I’ve been trying to make is that we’re all fucked. Yours Truly, included. There’s something I feel is worth mentioning though; I love the fact that with more new media outlets popping up all over the place, with every new advance in consumer technology and the abundance of available information, people are starting to ask “Why?” a lot more often. Case in point. My mom was raised to trust the government, to work hard and to be a good consumer. Even my mom, who would tell a cop if she had weed in her pocket (if that scenario was possible inn the first place), is frustrated and thinks we’re doomed as a species.

Remember, not too long ago in this country we still didn’t have equal rights for minorities, and WWE was just out of first place in the Nielsens. Well I’m sick and fucking tired of making my friend Terrell sit in the back seat all the time! I’m sick and fucking tired of the so-called intelligenista keeping Smackdown out of the top slot. WWE is fucking real goddamnit! You know what? Tomorrow, if Terrell calls shotgun, he can ride in the front just like anybody else! WWE can return to the glory days of Mean Gene Okerlund, Macho Man Randy Savage and Mr. Perfect if we want to! Fuck yeah! Who’s gonna stop us?! David Duchovney?! The Taliban?! Jesus?!

Anyways… Something about the economy… Shit looks like it might be getting tougher at the widget factory where Mike works. I should probably consider myself lucky I’m still working at all, right? Wrong. Maybe if more of you assholes visited this site more often, we could get some advertising scratch. I could work and eat ice cream on my couch and my dog could hump his blanket all day or be VP of Operations. But nooooooo…….. You assholes would rather read books, or work out, or spend time with your kids or whatever. We stand for things here at the Hamstring, Tyler would agree with me. But you guys wouldn’t care about that. Thanks for nothing, Dick.

For Tyler and your drunk fucking uncle,

This is Mike Apathy signing off.

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