Merv Griffin Presents, “Name That Septuagenarian!”


Dude looks familiar, doesn’t he? I took this picture last night on my phone. I’m gonna cut through the bullshit and get right down to brass tax. I believe that Captain AARP’s true identity is that of one of the following individuals. I’m sure of it.

1. The gas station attendant from Children if the Corn

2. Dr. Werner Klopek, the creep who moved his weirdo family to Hinkly Hills, Missouri in ’89, right next door to Ray Peterson on Mayfield Place

My thoughts:

It can’t be the gas station attendant because Malachi* and Isaac, being the enthusiastic young Republicans that they were, straight-up murdered his ass because he held contrary positions on a number of hotly-debated issues, i.e. abortion, stem cell research and immigration, to name a few. The theory of Deductive Reasoning leads me to the conclusion that because of the murder, it cannot possibly be the gas station attendant, and therefore** it leads me to my final conclusion.

*”Outlander! Outlander, we have your woman…” 

**I learned something new today while writing this article, check it out…

Through the wonders of science and the absolutist nature of mathmatics, I have proven that the unassuming man in the picture above must be, and is without doubt, Dr. Werner Klopek.

Tyler’s the one who pointed him out to me actually. Tyler, Stizzle, Jon Juan, Dirty Dave and I went to Oktoberfest last night (Bitberger makes a pretty decent non-alcoholic, btw), I was the DD. At the first beer tent we stopped at, Tyler spotted him. 

You're calling cyanide what now?

Go ahead, try and convince me otherwise. It’s him, I know it. Remember folks, the authorites took Klopek, Hans Christian Anderson and the rest of the family, directly to jail after he tried to add Ray Peterson’s skull to his collection. But if you recall, the media stopped covering the story almost as quickly as they started on it. In May of that same year (remember, story broke in February), everone list interest and started to obsess over some Archeological Cowboy, who if I recall, looked a lot like Harrison Ford, and glorify his self-serving search for the cup of Jesus***. We don’t have slightest idea of how  things might’ve played out following the arrest. The dude was an evil genius; I don’t think it’s too far outside the realm of believability to say he could’ve executed an escape plan with little trouble, amirite? 

***Yes, I realize this scenario creates a few timeline impossibilies…or paradoxes, i.e. the Burbs taking place in the Summer months and not in February when it was released, the little part about Last Crusade taking place in the 40’s (it was the the 40’s right? was it the 40’s?) and not May of ’89, etc. Try to suspend your disbelief for just a few more sentences. The CDO wants me to hury up and go get lunch. I’m whipped (which is really cool, I don’t mean it in the lame frat-boy sense at all), so I need to wrap this up.

Oktoberfest. It’s a pretty good spot to lay low if you’re a wanted sociopath if you ask me. There’s a never-ending flow of drunks coming through to keep the unwanted attention far enough away, but at the same time, at arm’s length, because the authorities definitely have a presence there too. Very smart. Quite cunning indeed.

But, is it brilliant?

I think so.

Is it the level of manical brilliance that we would expect from other, more well-known evil geniuses like Hannibal Lector?

I’m not going to rule it out.

Could he actually be Ellen Degeneres?


For Tyler, Stizzle, Jon Juan, Dirty Dave and for good-natured lesbians across the globe (not Iran though, they don’t have gay people there…homosexuality is a scourge of Western Nations),

This is Mike Apathy signing off.