Part 2 of The Octopus Hamstring’s 2011 MLB Season Wrap-Up: AL & NL Rookie of the Year Selections or I Forgot to Make a Sandwich so What am I Going to do for Lunch Today?
Welcome to Part 2 of the 1st annual Octopus Hamstring MLB Season Wrap-Up! If you missed it, click here for Part 1.
Well now that we have the 2011 MVP’s selected for both the AL and NL out-of-the-way, we can move on to the 2nd-tier awards. Lesser known trophies like Player With the Most Secretly Rented Booty-Call Apartments in Different Cities on the Road and Player with the Most Children Out-of-Wedlock to the Most Different Women. About a month ago, a Hamstring reader in Orange, CA named Phat B commented on my Free Agency post and dropped this on us:
Phat B says:August 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Did you even watch that hard knocks last season on the Jets? Rex Ryan is an overgrown jock who can’t lead a pack of cub scouts. You will never win a title with those conceited bitches, there are waaay to many mirrors in the locker room for them to focus. I fully support your decision to jump ship on the Raiders, but the Jets ain’t winning shit until they get rid of Rex Ryan and get an actual coach who can teach these kids something besides cockiness. I’ll leave you with this: Antonio Cromartie has 8 kids, and 3 of them are 3 years old. 3 of them.
He also shared a link to a youtube video with me. Apparently this has floated around for a little while, and I came late to the party, but this is solid gold. Oh wow.
I used to think Shawn Kemp (no relation to my NL MVP pick from yesterday…at least I don’t think so…) would forever hold the title, but now…after seeing that? I just don’t know.
Okay, enough pussy-footing around. I’m tired and cranky and I miss my dog. Poor guy took a whooping last night, so I feel pretty guilty. I promised him he could get a prostitute tonight, on me. I told him to find the classiest, sexiest bitch in the back pages of OC Weekly, and to have it ready when I got home. Wouldn’t want to keep him waiting…
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Ok here are my official playoff predictions:
- St. Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa and Milwaukee Brewers radio announcer Bob Uecker agree to a live televised pay per view MMA fight to settle Tastes Great / Less Filling once and for all.
- The Arizona Diamondbacks are forced to forefit the first game of their divisional series. Like everyone else in America, they too forgot they were in the playoffs.
- After years of guilt Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes spokesman Tony the Tiger finally admits on his Twitter feed that he illegitimately fathered Detroit Tigers mascot Paws with his housekeeper, and then begs his wife for forgiveness.
- Philadelphia Phillies fans decide to show the true meaning of brotherly love by giving away puppies to all opposing fans in attendance…Dead puppies.
- Fox TV broadcasters Joe Buck and Tim McCarver become Guinness Book of World Record holders for the longest game of footsie after a 5 hour rain-soaked game in New York.
- Milwaukee Brewer mascot Bernie Brewer admits years of steroid use has in fact swollen his head into a giant baseball. The red stitching of the ball is just makeup.
- Cardinals’ catcher Yadier Molina hits an inside the park home run.
- Tampa outfielder Johnny Damon steals a base…and teammate Evan Longoria’s wallet.
- New York rap icon Jay Z is embarrassed when Yankee stadium cameras show him on television wearing a P. Diddy t-shirt while at the game….a puffy shirt, get it??
- Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris leads his team to their first ever World Series win. Do you want to tell him he’s not on the team? Me neither…
Do you have to use so many cuss words?
Take ‘er easy dude.