Part 2 of The Octopus Hamstring’s 2011 MLB Season Wrap-Up: AL & NL Rookie of the Year Selections or I Forgot to Make a Sandwich so What am I Going to do for Lunch Today?


PPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTHHHHH!!!

Friends,

Welcome to Part 2 of the 1st annual Octopus Hamstring MLB Season Wrap-Up! If you missed it, click here for Part 1.

Well now that we have the 2011 MVP’s selected for both the AL and NL out-of-the-way, we can move on to the 2nd-tier awards. Lesser known trophies like Player With the Most Secretly Rented Booty-Call Apartments in Different Cities on the Road and Player with the Most Children Out-of-Wedlock to the Most Different Women. About a month ago, a Hamstring reader in Orange, CA named Phat B commented on my Free Agency post and dropped this on us:

Phat B says:

August 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Did you even watch that hard knocks last season on the Jets? Rex Ryan is an overgrown jock who can’t lead a pack of cub scouts. You will never win a title with those conceited bitches, there are waaay to many mirrors in the locker room for them to focus. I fully support your decision to jump ship on the Raiders, but the Jets ain’t winning shit until they get rid of Rex Ryan and get an actual coach who can teach these kids something besides cockiness. I’ll leave you with this: Antonio Cromartie has 8 kids, and 3 of them are 3 years old. 3 of them.

He also shared a link to a youtube video with me. Apparently this has floated around for a little while, and I came late to the party, but this is solid gold. Oh wow.

I used to think Shawn Kemp (no relation to my NL MVP pick from yesterday…at least I don’t think so…) would forever hold the title, but now…after seeing that? I just don’t know.

Okay, enough pussy-footing around. I’m tired and cranky and I miss my dog. Poor guy took a whooping last night, so I feel pretty guilty. I promised him he could get a prostitute tonight, on me. I told him to find the classiest, sexiest bitch in the back pages of OC Weekly, and to have it ready when I got home. Wouldn’t want to keep him waiting…

AL Rookie of the Year:
Mark Trumbo, 1st Base
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
 
Runner Up:
Wilfred, Dog
FX Channel’s “Wilfred”
 
Best new show of 2011. Love it.
 
 
“Hey asshole, how the fuck can Wilfred be a rookie when he’s been on the popular Australian version of the show since 2007?”
 
Remember when Ichiro won AL ROY back in 2001? Well he was already a 7x NPB All-Star by then. If a Chinaman can do it, so can an Australian dog.
 
So who’s with me on Mark Trumbizzle baby?! Whereas I’m a hack, lacking substance and writing articles to create and support a false feeling of self-importance, ACTUAL BASEBALL WRITERS are calling this one too…Ivan Nova be damned! When all the Angels needed this year was a power bat at one of the hot corners, and no one else on the roster seemed ready to step up, a beacon of hope was slotted in to play 1st base this year. With Kendry still on the DL, Torii another year older and Bobby Abreu more interested in the Beach Pit BBQ stand in the concourse, things looked pretty bleak. Remember, Trumbo got called up last year for a few games and failed to impress, so it’s not like we knew we had a sure thing by any stretch. We all knew about the potential, but the talking heads still put him in the backseat behind prospects Mike Trout and Hank Conger.
 
Obviously I’m gushing. I know I am. I’m aware that it’s unprofessional for a journalist to put too much of himself in his writing, but let me ask you one thing. I’m a fan. I know the Cubs have their diehards, as do the Yankees and so does Boston, however they refer to their following of homophobic, Irish Mob wannabe, Dane Cook loving mongoloids. Here’s my point. Can you remember the last time your team had a rookie player that so exceeded expectations, and played the game in a way that genuinely made you feel good about your team’s future? Longoria, Braun and Stasburg are a few obvious, but recent examples. Mark Trubmo may not have the name that those guys did, but it’s good enough for me after suffering through all the Brandon Wood hype. Don’t even get me started on Dallas McPherson.
 
NL Rookie of the Year:
Craig Kimbrel, Closing Pitcher
Atlanta Braves
 
Runner Up:
Whoever McSweeney’s lists on this article I didn’t read.
 
Alright, so I’ve pretty much been sleeping at the wheel on NL rookies. I’ve heard the names; Dillon Gee, Freddie Freeman, that one guy who did the thing, etc… I kind of wanted to choose Freddie Freeman just because I think he’s got a pretty fun sounding name, but I can’t. Wouldn’t that be too much like when your wife* fills in her weekly football pool and makes her decisions based on the team’s uniforms?
 
*Not my wife by the way. The CDO is a die-hard Chargers fan and she’s still pissed off about Ed Hochuli’s call that lost them the game against Denver on 9/14/08. And her being a Chargers fan is not why I didn’t re-sign with Oakland this year…fuck you. If you recall, OAK swept the AFC West last season, and in doing so, beat San Diego twice. I had home bragging rights and I still gave that shit up!
 
Back to whoever the NL ROY is…I have no idea who really deserves it, so read this article that I just Googled, telling me that it should be Craig Kimbrel. Stats did look pretty impressive actually…
 
So this pretty much does it for Part 2. I know I promised Cy Young and COY selections today, but I like to switch it up every now and again. Plus, it’ll give me an excuse to write some more over the weekend…not like that ever seems to be a problem…TYLER.
 
So on that note, let’s leave things off with another edition of Deconstructing the Head. I’m pretty stoked to have an official guest contributor by the way. He’s eager to please like a Russian mail-order bride…but without the tits. Well…perky ones anyway. See you guys tomorrow.
 
 
Deconstructing the Head #2
 

Ok here are my official playoff predictions:
 

  1. St. Louis Cardinals skipper Tony LaRussa and Milwaukee Brewers radio announcer Bob Uecker agree to a live televised pay per view MMA fight to settle Tastes Great / Less Filling once and for all.
  2.  The Arizona Diamondbacks are forced to forefit the first game of their divisional series.  Like everyone else in America, they too forgot they were in the playoffs.
  3.  After years of guilt Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes spokesman Tony the Tiger finally admits on his Twitter feed that he illegitimately fathered Detroit Tigers mascot Paws with his housekeeper, and then begs his wife for forgiveness.
  4. Philadelphia Phillies fans decide to show the true meaning of brotherly love by giving away puppies to all opposing fans in attendance…Dead puppies.
  5. Fox TV broadcasters Joe Buck and Tim McCarver become Guinness Book of World Record holders for the longest game of footsie after a 5 hour rain-soaked game in New York.
  6. Milwaukee Brewer mascot Bernie Brewer admits years of steroid use has in fact swollen his head into a giant baseball.  The red stitching of the ball is just makeup.
  7. Cardinals’ catcher Yadier Molina hits an inside the park home run.
  8. Tampa outfielder Johnny Damon steals a base…and teammate Evan Longoria’s wallet.
  9. New York rap icon Jay Z is embarrassed when Yankee stadium cameras show him on television wearing a P. Diddy t-shirt while at the game….a puffy shirt, get it??
  10. Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris leads his team to their first ever World Series win. Do you want to tell him he’s not on the team? Me neither…
     

Do you have to use so many cuss words?
 
Take ‘er easy dude.

 
-Head
 
For Tyler, Head and how the fuck did Head not see the golden opportunity that was just begging him to write something funny about Josh Hamilton’s crack addiction? What the fuck man…,
 
This is Mike Apathy signing off.
 
Advertisements