Saturday Golf w/ Stizzle…Charles Barkley…Constipation, etc…

"Holy shit! Look at how white my teeth are!"


I’m only going to write a quick few paragraphs on this, as I don’t believe it warrants any more than that. Those who read my post yesterday, I’m writing this as a courtesy, ‘cuz I’m sure you’re all racking your simple little brains over how my round of golf with Stizzle turned out yesterday. I’m a thoughtful guy, what can I say?

Anywhoo…To put it bluntly, I got my ass kicked. I think I had all of 2 good shots in total. And fuck those 2 shots by the way, because it’s those 2 shots that I’ll remember when someone suggests golf next time. Ain’t that about a bitch. I looked worse than Charles Barkley out there.

Actually, I wish I could hit like Charles. At least he can hit the damn ball, and it goes straight. There’s nothing wrong with getting the job done ugly. 1990 Detroit Pistons, 2002 Anaheim Angels, Sex In The City-era Kim Catrall, etc… Amirite? Anyone? Eh? Meh.

Either way, I made a deal with myself that I’m not playing until I take a lesson or two. I’ve got too much invested into my bag to play this shitty, this consistently.

So, moving forward…I was constipated yesterday. My ass has more backup than the 84th St. Crips. Stizzle told me about this Milk of Magnesia stuff that he has, and how it put him out of commission for a whole evening once recently. I told him that my ass could handle it, and that it wanted some. Stizzle gave me the bottle and told my me to be careful. So I’m preparing my ass for a serious movement, Hiroshima-eque if you will. The pep-talk I gave my ass went kind of like this:

Mike: “Alright, Ass. We’ve been training an awful long time for this. This is your time. Your moment. Your opponent is bigger than you. He’s meaner than you. He’s from a bad part of town, the other side of the tracks. He’d stoop to despicable levels to win this fight. You gotta be 2 moves ahead of him at all times. You got one thing he doesn’t though. Heart, Kid. You got heart. If you can change…and I can change…we can all change!”

Mike’s Ass: “Pffffft…”

Presidential Constipated-Face

I drank the proper dose and waited. Then I waited some more. Have I taken an Earth-shattering, religious experience-type shit yet? No, I haven’t. I think my ass took a long lunch or something, because he hasn’t been at his desk, working, for hours. Very disappointing. I’m seriously considering going to a clinic and getting a colonic today (which would make an amazing running diary…maybe I should just man-up and do it for the Hamstring…we’ll see). This actually brings up another funny point…well, funny to me anyway. Indulge me.

This is a snippet from a section of dialogue that Stizzle and I shared yesterday:

Stizzle: “You know, apple juice and cranberry juice can make you shit if you drink enough of it. Remember back in the day when I was interviewing at Vons and needed to clean out my system?”

Mike: “Yeah I think so. We were like 18 right?”

Stizzle: “Yeah man, I pounded two huge jugs of cranberry juice the day before, totally purged my system, so I could pass the drug test. That night I was on the toilet for HOURS.”

Mike: “That’s right, I do remember that. Hey man, I forget, did you get the job?”

Stizzle: “Fuck no, I failed the drug test.”

Alright folks, that’s about all I got for you today. Wish Ass luck today, hopefully the big fight doesn’t get pushed back any further. Hopefully his opponent stops ducking him and gives him the title fight he deserves. All I know is that this piece of shit has worn out his welcome and it’s time for him to go back to where he came from. Fuck this guy.

For Tyler, Stizzle and Ass,

This is Mike Apathy signing out.