“Fuck you. Fuck you. You’re cool. I’m out of here.”

"Hey there, Sweet Thing. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? He...He...He..."

Your boy, Mike Apathy, is on vacation. That’s right. I’m Chevy Muthafuckin’ Chase and George Dubya Bush all wrapped up in one right now.
“I’m goin’, goin’…back, back…to Cali, Cali…Ughh…”
Even though I have actually been in “Cali” the entire time, that was still fun to say. But if I did have it my way, this is what the next six days would actually look like:
1. On a pristine beach, somewhere in the South of France
2. My yacht, aptly named, “The Cocksman”, is anchored nearby
3. White linen suits
4. Big-booty, rap video girls, feeding me grapes while I kick it in a plush lounge chair
5. Tyler hanging out, and every few minutes or so, jumping into the camera shot to randomly say “Uh-huh”, “We won’t stop” and “You like that”
6.Tyler doing the Puff Daddy Dance

In reality though, I had to settle for my cousin “MLM” (pronounced Mullum) coming out to visit from New Jersey. Well…when you set your dreams and expectations as high as I did in the previous segment, just about anything but that would be “settling”, innit? (every time I write the word “innit?”, I picture myself as some shady character in a Guy Ritchie film…”Sausages’ll be ready in 5 minutes, Turkish.”)

If we weren't all about anonymity on this site, I'd post a real pick of MLM. Just imagine that I'm talking about a more heterosexual version of this guy.

So fast forward a couple days…….okay? Cool. Picked him up from the airport on Friday, now its Sunday. MLM, the CDO and I all met up with the crew on Friday night to watch a band play, eat good food, goof off and show him how we do it in Southern California. Now again, remember that I’m sober. My friends, my wife and my cousin are not. Some of my friends still get after it pretty hard, and I’m at a point now where I can observe from the sidelines…actually, not just observe, but call plays, too. Call me Coach Apathy. My starting running back, Brizzy, always has a way of meeting new friends on the fly…usually because he seems to always have a stash of marijuana on him. One minute MLM and myself are joking around, and the next, we’re noticing that Brizzy has broken loose on a 40-yard TD run, past the secondary, and into the endzone. Brizzy has very blatantly pulled out a pipe and started smoking with two drunk girls, in plain sight, right out in the open. This is common behavior. This play is a sure thing. There’s not a defense in the league that can stop him when he’s on his game. I’ve seen him run it a million times. MLM on the other hand, has not. MLM had a decent buzz going on by this time and was in awe.
I’m standing there, appreciating my star RB, when MLM yells out, at the top of his lungs, “Here in Orange County, we just don’t give a FUCK!”
Awesome. Let the weekend begin.
Fast forward to Saturday. Tyler, MLM and I trucked it up to Downtown L.A. for the FYF Festival. All three of us are pretty big music geeks, so we were all pretty stoked to get out-of-town and show the bearded VICE Magazine/Pitchfork* set how we get down, Hamstring-style. Representin’ on the nine trey. Hamstring, D4L. Ugh.
*Speaking of beards…Tyler and I are so fucking over all the facial hair that’s sported by these people. I cannot tell you, with any accuracy, how many annoying little trust-fundies we saw running around with handlebar ‘staches and beards, but it was a lot. So many in fact, that we both vowed to shave off any and all stubble we have. I handled my face today. I’m as smooth as Coltrane baby.
I’ve known MLM my entire life. He’s like a little brother to me. I know he likes to make party from time to time (opulence: I has it), but nothing out of the ordinary. A little weed every now and again, a good IPA, maybe a shot of whiskey, nothing more. His taste in music is a little different from mine, so he spent a fair amount of time at the festival on his own, checking out the bands that he wanted to see. Totally cool. Let us fast-forward to the end of the day, when we all met up to go home. Naturally, we started to exchange stories about the bands we watched, people we saw, etc… This is when I realized that my kid-brother cousin (who’s actually 27) is a pimp.
“So, MLM. How was Dan Deacon?”
“Deacon was awesome. He had the crowd doing synchronized dance moves, it was nuts.”
“That’s awesome man. Too bad he was playing at the same time as the Descendents, I would’ve like to have seen him.”
“Yeah, I was smoking pot and hanging out with some lesbians from Pomona who were on Ecstasy, too. They wanted me to go back to their pad with them tonight.”
Tyler and Mike Apathy, in unison: “What?!”
“I was talking to them and they asked me if I wanted to smoke, and I did, so I hung out with them for a while.”
“Go on.”
“They told me they were rolling, and it was pretty obvious. They said, ‘Come home with us and have your cousin come pick you up in the morning.’ I wasn’t really feeling it. Whatever. They were cool.”
Tyler: “Were they Latinas?” (Tyler’s got a thing for our spicier friends down south)
“Yeah. One of them was pretty hot, too.”
“Well why the hell didn’t you go for it?!”
“Dude. They were LESBIANS. Not bisexuals.”

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I have nothing but respect for my cousin. He’s a stand-up guy to say “no thanks” and come back to Castle Apathy at the end of the night. And hey…I know that things like E aren’t his thing. The man knows his limits (check out my 30’s the new 20 article, I discuss this topic at length, and applaud anyone who can stay within themselves).
At the same time, I couldn’t just let it go. It’s funny. All I could say was, “Dude. That was a guaranteed great time. An ecstasy-fueled, all night orgy-party to tell your buddies back in New Jersey about.”
Now depending on whether the CDO is reading this, I may or may not have actually had an experience or two exactly like the one I mentioned above. I thought to myself, this kid’s crazy to have passed up on an opportunity like that!
That’s about the time I caught myself.
Mike’s inner dialogue: “Mike. You’re projecting yourself onto MLM. Not everyone is a raging degenerate, or has the desire to be one, like you…you bastard. Cut the guy a break.”
Inner Dialogue was right.
I softened up on him like my dick used to do to my wife, after a night of drinking whiskey. It was only the right thing to do.
Either way, we’re back in Orange, I’ve got my head on straight again, MLM’s sitting on my couch and not on the floor of some crack den in Pomona with strange lesbians. All is good back in the ‘hood. Wurd.
So…I’d like to leave you all with some music. For MLM, a little Descendents. And for me, a little Dan Deacon. I would’ve really liked to see him. Meh.
Descendents – I’m The One (Live @ FYF 9/3/11)
Dan Deacon – No Idea What The Hell Song This Is (I made up that title myself…Live @ FYF 9/3/11)
For Tyler, the CDO, Brizzy, MLM and the lesbians,
This is Mike Apathy signing off.