The absolute LOWEST common denominator…

Run for your lives children! RUUUNNN!!!!!!!!!!!


On my way to work every morning, I’m faced with a very difficult decision. The little devil sitting on my left shoulder tells me to roll down my window, honk my horn, extend a middle finger and shoot disapproving stares. The little angel (that pussy) sitting on my right shoulder tells me to keep on driving, take the high road and maybe write a post about it. Well, in their eternal struggle over my soul, it looks like they’re going to have to settle for a 1-1 tie on this morning’s celestial battlefield.

I’m talking about the religious dickheads that congregate outside of Planned Parenthood* in the mornings, spreading their word of fear and hate to all that pass by on their morning commute.

*Quick story about Planned Parenthood…I promise I’ll get back to the point in just a sec. Years ago, maybe around age 22, Stizzle and I went to Planned Parenthood. He was too cheap to buy condoms from a liquor store like a real man, and had heard that they were free at Planned Parenthood. He asked me if I would go with him on lunch break, so I happily obliged. We get there and walk up to the window; the nice lady behind the counter asks what she can help us with (maybe she thought we were a gay couple, looking to find a baby???). Stizzle asks for free condoms and she whips out a giant bowl, full of them. He grabs a small handful. The lady turns to me and asks if I would like any. Mike Apathy looked at her with his signature smirk, and camly replied, “Fuck no. I don’t use those things.” Stizzle and I laughed our immature asses off all the way back to his car.

Listen, I’m about as huge a proponent of the 1st amendment as anyone in this country. If folks in China or North Korea had their own versions of The Octopus Hamstring (in China’s case, it would most likely be The Super Happy of The Ocean Octopus Most Glorious Hamstring, or something to that effect…you get the picture…and that’s assuming they’d even have the access to internet to do it…), they’d “disappear”, or be “reeducated.” My point is this:

It takes a real asshole, and a obvioulsy confused one at that, to stand outside of an establishment that is dedicated to the assistance of people in need and berate them on their way inside. Let me preface this by saying I am disgusted by people who use abortion as a method of birth control. They’re completely missing the point, and if there is a hell, they’ll most likely end up there only to be raped eternally by Adolf Hitler, Atilla the Hun and Janie Lane (I’m sorry…too soon? why would he be in hell you ask? two words: Cherry Pie).

I like to think of myself as a slightly left-leaning moderate. I’m somewhat fiscally conservative, while at the same time passionate about human rights, personal freedoms, etc… I am also an agnostic, with strong leanings toward atheism. One of the main problems I have with these bottom-feeders is that they use their religion as the foundation of their arguments. These are the same folks who won’t bat an eyelid when we drop another bomb (that their “we hate taxes” tax dollars paid for) on a village in the Middle East, slaughtering faceless men, women and children. You see that’s cool though, because God loves ‘Merica and to hell with everyone else. Me personally, I don’t see the difference. You’re telling me that it’s totally cool, in the name of your God and blind nationalism, to kill (mostly) innocent civilians, while at the same time, condemning a woman who was raped and telling her that she cannot terminate a pregnancy because it’s an abomination of God’s will? I call bullshit. Actually, you know what? Give me some hardcore, scientific evidence that this God exists, and that your translation of his word (that was written by men) is the correct one, and I’ll shut the fuck up**.

**I have a sneaking suspicion that if these tables were turned, and if the atheist/scientific community undisputedly proved that there is no god, we’d still have these nuts running around, retranslating scripture, so that this discovery could be spun as divine prophecy intended to weed out the evil ones, etc…

Back to the article…

Now obviously not every woman walking into a Planned Parenthood is a rape victim. The bottom line is that life deals us fucked up cards from time to time. I might come off as a monster here, but if an uneducated 16-year old from a shitty part of town gets knocked up by her drug-dealing boyfriend and she wants to get an abortion? Awesome. I might even help pay for it. The thing that truly sucks about this certain scenario is that most of the folks I grew up around, that fit that bill, are devout Catholics. Well we all know about their stance on birth control and abortions now don’t we. UGH.

Religion has a way of brainwashing the folks who could really use this type of education and benefit from it. It’s quite sad actually. One of the most evil things I can think of from recent memory was back in 2009 when Pope Benedict XVI went touring through Africa, telling the destitute, hopeless, poverty-stricken masses that condoms are evil, and will only make their HIV/AIDS situation worse. To paraphrase Bill Simmons (who I obviously have a man-crush on), “I will now pour scalding-hot water down the front of my pants.”

Here’s a conundrum for the readers of the Hamstring to ponder over: These same folks who want less government in their lives, are basically asking for this same evil government to meddle in it even more! I just don’t get it. At the same time, my feeling toward religion is this: If it works for you, great. Just please don’t force it down the rest of our throats. I’d be a lot more apt to take their lobbying seriously if they were coming from a different platform. I don’t think ANY law should be passed based off of instructions from a book that is filled with contradictions, fear and hate.

Speaking of religion, the bible, etc… I highly suggest that you all go out and pick up a terrific book by Christopher Hitchens entitled, “God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.” It was a best-seller, and many of you may already be familiar with it. Either way, if you haven’t read it, it’s now officially recommended by The Octopus Hamstring Book Club (Oprah’s got nothing on us). I’m not going to go into detail on its contents here, but a simple Google Search will bring up tons of reviews.

I did see something funny yesterday, and I think I’ll leave it on this note. With everyone picketing something these days, it appears that Sweden is doing just fine.

For Tyler and Sweden,

This is Mike Apathy signing off.