A letter to Tyler:
Wow…so much has happened since my last post. Apparently Tyler thought it amusing to share the “Upper Decker” story. As I read the piece, I really couldn’t help but laugh my ass off. The surreal way in which he described the insanity had me rolling on the floor. I’m not going to lie and say I had forgotten about it, but I will say, that I truly did not remember many of the details. It was nice to get a fresh perspective on the incident. In retrospect, how I didn’t get arrested is beyond my comprehension.
I’d like to clear the air here (not with a fart) and answer a question that may or may not be on everyone’s mind. I haven’t dropped an Upper Decker, or “Hidden the Duke”, in quite some time. It’s been at least a year. There is something that I still do from time to time that I think the loyal readers of the Hamstring may find interesting though…
I pee in sinks. This doesn’t take place every time I use the restroom mind you, and now that I’m sober it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but I will admit, it is heavenly.
You see, I’m a tall man. 6’2″ to be exact. When standing erect (hehehe…) the sink is the perfect hight to just whip it out and let it go. I’ve done this at restaurants, my home, my wife’s sink, as well as at different people’s houses. Since I rarely take dumps anywhere but an actual toilet these days, this is one of the few ways I can still mark my territory without compromising my maturity (and I suppose that point might be debatable).
At the same time, I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here. Tyler is a madman. Well…he sure used to be. About two years after we met each other, the man disappeared for a good four. During this four-year span, Good Old Mike was still shitting in closets, leaving Upper Deckers and looking for different and entertaining places to kick grumps, etc… When Tyler reemerged from his sabbatical, he was a changed man.
I’ve often wondered which cosmic force actually effected Tyler:
- Could it have been Gypsies?
- Was he visited by “Future Tyler”, and given a pep-talk?
- Did his testicles retract up into his abdomen?
These are all valid questions, and frankly, I don’t have the answer.
All I know is this: Somewhere on the linear timeline between then and now, the man received enlightenment. Maybe he sacrificed a goat to Ganesha. Maybe he searched for, and found, the Tree of Knowledge. Maybe he divided by zero. Point is, I don’t fucking know.
What I do know for sure is this: Back in the day the man could bash with champions. He thought “differently.” I’ll explain.
One day, many years ago, three of us were binge drinking like any other day. If my memory serves me correctly, it was Gentry, Tyler and Myself. There was a moment where the conversation had stalled. We were enjoying silence. It was at this moment where Tyler dropped this golden nugget of wisdom. He was completely, 100% serious by the way. He said it with a certain calm, collected seriousness that is typically reserved for funerals and Maury Povich segments.
“Guys. I’m different. I think differently.”
Gentry and I were speechless. We just looked at each other for a good few seconds, motionless and wordless. As if synchronized by our Swatches to the exact second, we let it out. Tyler’s attempt at opening himself up to us resulted in us losing our collective shit. After laughing our asses off for what seemed like a week, we finally calmed down, and were able to pat him on the head and feign understanding.
It goes a little deeper than that, though. As a matter of fact, the above statement has become the default Tyler Manifesto (in my opinion). If anyone asks for insight into the man, I’ll reply, “He thinks differently.” While I still believe that Tyler thinks differently, he’s toned his actions down quite a bit. I’m saddened by this, but overall, his body of work ranks right up there with Bluto from Animal House, Frank the Tank from Old School and possibly Floyd from True Romance.
I don’t have much time at the moment to get into details about a certain Tyler story, but give me a day or two. I’ve got some amazing stuff packed away in the vault coming your way soon (including part two of the Lost Boys article…Stizzle and I will be sitting down to watch it THIS weekend…my apologies for the delay). This is going to be fun.
Happy Friday everyone. Enjoy your weekend. And, in the words of Ronald Reagan, “Smoke weed every day.”
This is Mike Apathy signing off.