Nintendo Wii: Tool of Satan, or best invention ever?
I swear to God, I feel old. Granted, there’s no rational way to consider myself as such, being only 32…unless you consider my liver, lungs and kidneys, or if you’re a piece-of-shit, good-for-nothing teenager, but that’s another post altogether, so pardon me for straying off topic… (which if you read the intro piece, you already know what’s up with that by now)
The wife, and lets just refer to her as the CDO from now on (Chief Domestic Officer), has been trying to talk me into buying a Wii since Thomas Newcomen invented the Steam Engine (fuck, Wikipedia is awesome). Like any rational young man who already owns a PS3 for all his video game and Blue Ray needs, and as a man who exerts himself physically as little as possible, I’ve been making up reasons why we SHOULDN’T get one. I’ll give you ten:
- The Wii is fucking expensive
- The Wii is fucking expensive*
- The games are fucking expensive
- The games are fucking expensive**
- If I wanted to watch people act like assholes and flail around like a junkie who needs a fix, I’d go to a strip club, or a homeless shelter
- We already OWN a PS3, the best console on the market (and I literally play only one game on it; “MLB: The Show”)
- I’m lazy, and don’t have the patience for jumping up and down, swinging my arms around and looking like an overall Ogre while playing video games
- I’m incredibly out of shape***
- The primary games my wife wants are Dance Dance Revolution, some Michael Jackson dance thing, and Mario (nothing against Mario, he’s a legend and a totally nice guy, but those other games can go to hell)
- They’re fucking expensive
Maybe you’re noticing a theme here. Sure, I love junkies, strippers and the homeless, but who doesn’t?! It goes deeper than that, though. She thinks this thing will help us stay in shape physically. Personally, I think one of the best parts about playing video games is that I DO NOT need to exert myself in any manner whatsoever, but I digress…
Come. The. Fuck. On. You know…if you really want to dance, just freakin’ do it! Go to clubs with your friends. See this idea kills many birds with one stone: It’s cheaper because douchebags will buy her drinks all night and I won’t have to. Shit, I wouldn’t even go in the first place…I’ll be at home playing “MLB: The Show” on PS3 while my dog humps my Angels blanket (actually, I haven’t been to a club in so long, all I imagine now is that they’re all Jersey Shore type, sexual predator-filled uhnce-uhnce-uhnce places). You still get your exercise, and you’ll have a good time doing it with that harem of chickens you call your group of friends (For some reason you all love this shit, like you’re the cast of Sex and The City). Best of all, I don’t spend a dime.
You knew it was coming to this. You had to. Well anyway…last night we bought one. I broke down like the spineless dad from Christmas Story when he gave that potty-mouthed little shit, Ralphie, the Red Ryder at the end. And then, on top of it all, that little prick had the audacity to lie to his parents and tell them it was an icicle that broke his glasses. Eat shit, Ralphie. I’m coming for you.
I gotta say, though….. I love it. There. I said it. Nobody who’s reading this, could probably give a shit less, but I don’t care.
Dude. Bowling is awesome (which my wife is curiously good at for some reason), and Mario Cart is OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN, SON. We had a couple of friends over and had one of those “Wii Parties” you see in all their demographically conscious commercials.
Thing about being out of shape, while video game bowling barefoot on hard
wood floors, is that one’s lack of coordination can lead to trauma. Fast. Not so much as getting the thing out of the box and set up, I pull my fucking hamstring on my right leg (no pun intended…IT’S NOT FUNNY). Two games into bowling, I’m crippled.
I rode it out like a trooper, and still had a good time, though. Trust me, I’m not as big of a vagina as you all think I am right now.
Long story short (well right now we’re at 727 words, at least that’s what the ticker says, so you tell me?), I’m not regretting the purchase right now. I’m thinking it may turn out to be a sound investment. If nothing else, I’ll probably get to chill on the couch with my dog and watch my wife dance around in yoga pants and a tight t-shirt a lot…at least until she gets bored with it.
* – You can get them used now for around $109 @ Gamestop
** – There were actually some pretty decent titles for cheap in the used game section (side note…the new ones? fucking ridiculous)
*** – That is NOT me in the picture above, fuck you
May I always live to serve you and your crown,
P.S. – Apparently I’m as retarded as Tyler is, because I can’t for the life of me get the spacing between the paragraphs to work on this post. What the hell, it did it just fine yesterday!!!